What’s “Right” With the World Might be What’s Wrong

I have a confession: Sunday morning, after my usual slow moving, coffee and protein bite, I only lasted about 30 minutes into the morning before engaging in an argument with one of my kids.

I mean, he was certainly wrong. But so was my reaction.

(Was he using a cell phone when he wasn’t supposed to be? Yes. Was he setting fire to the carpet? No. Did I maybe get my reaction to those two misdemeanors mixed up? Ahem. Yes.)

But I was just so tired of being patient (which happens to me so often that I’ve come to question whether I HAVE been very patient after all). Meanwhile, like a cornered thief, the kid hid the phone, so I searched the room for the device, vowing that he should never see it again.

And as I searched my ire grew. It wasn’t enough to be irritated with my SON- no- I had to get to the root of the problem. All problems have roots, as any gardener of chaos and disorder will tell you. And I had just so much anger that it needed to be directed straight at the root- which I will henceforth refer to as “my husband”.

And so I passive aggressively blamed said husband for the phone situation (and ANOTHER unrelated issue while I was at it, because it always seems that blame comes as a combo pack.)

Then I huffed off to listen to church online, and thought it rather convenient that I could hide my hypocrisy behind a screen, and almost no one need be the wiser that I was being a jerk at home just before the service started.

But I can’t stand conflict for long, and of course I still thought I was right, so I finally asked my husband if we could sit down and talk about what happened. And I spouted off all my quibbles like the verbal fountain that I am, and my husband sat there, unhappily, getting drenched.

And in the end, he was more than flexible about coming to a new agreement with our child about the issues I’d brought up.

But he did say that he didn’t like being blamed. (Apparently this wasn’t the first time. Can you imagine?) And as he shared his annoyance, my brain registered that blaming him wasn’t helpful, so my mouth apologized. But I still felt angry because he never admitted I was right. Even a little.

Then my heart said, “Let’s hold a grudge forever or until he comes back grovelling!” And I shouted “YES! UNTIL THERE’S GROVELLING!”

To cool down, I took a drive, and in that quiet space with no-one around, I realized how my desire to be right was suffocating the joy and goodness right out of my day.

I promptly eventually came home and told my husband that I was pretty sure my reaction that morning is what’s wrong with the world. He gave me a quizzical look, as he often does when I make dramatic sweeping statements, as though I was 100% off my rocker.

But…maybe I’m not.

Because maybe my irrational need to point a just a microcosm of a broader problem we have in the world. If you can find someone in the world who doesn’t think we have a lot of problems, they’ve either been living in a rainbow utopian bunker, or they are in an alarming state of denial.

But what do we do? Like me, we all know there must be a root to the problems, so we act like the most effective ACTION for us to do to fix the problem is to find out who is to blame. If we know who to blame, we’re halfway to making things right…or so we think.

But rarely is anyone coming forward to take the blame- for racism, for poverty- for the spread of Covid- for financial crisis- for vulnerable children- you know…for the problems in the world.

And truth be told, there is something important and very useful about owning where we HAVE been part of the problem.

And, yes, there are clear instances when perpetrators of violence and harm must be held accountable. The massive loss of innocent black lives is one of many clear examples of this. Something must change, and it must be at both a personal and systemic level.

I do not mean to imply that right and wrong do not matter.

But if we as a world are anything like I was this morning- is it possible that sometimes we are far more concerned about being right than pursuing right? Is it possible that we have lulled ourselves into believing that if someone else is at fault we can sit back and close our eyes to our part in the problem?

Is it possible that a ruthless need to be “right” is actually part of what’s very wrong?

I can only speak for myself; but it is far easier for me to point to what’s wrong in the world from my couch, assuming that my hands are clean because I didn’t vote for this or that person; because I didn’t start the fire; because I’m not in close enough proximity to do anything except for be right.

And maybe I am. But that alone isn’t saving lives. It isn’t changing the problem. It isn’t lifting others up. It isn’t loving. It isn’t difficult or sacrificial. It isn’t advocacy. Being right is about the most passive thing I could possibly do.

So here’s me admitting I’m part of the problem. (And I don’t just mean when it comes to parenting my kids. Although my husband will be happy to hear that.)

And I want to say yes to actionable changes that go beyond who is right and wrong. And I think I’m going to need some tools for the road.

I recently finished a really in depth book on social justice by Mae Elise Cannon, called Beyond Hashtag Activism. (You can also get it on Kindle/Amazon HERE.) She deftly hits on several main areas of social justice and how we can move beyond simply commenting or “posting” our advocacy on social media and instead join hands for practical action. She is thorough and challenging, and her book has great discussion questions.

I’d love to start a book group of this with anyone who is interested! Please let me know in the comments and I’ll work to find a time that works for most.

Thank you for journeying with me. For teaching me. For challenging me. May we stay humble enough to know we may be wrong, compassionate enough to make a change, and bold enough to leave our comfort zones to act on justice for others.