How Sadie Robertson and an Angsty Nine Year Old Made Me Blog About the Perfect Christian Parenting Myth

Have you ever been a hater of perfectly nice strangers?

I recently watched an online Christian conference where Sadie Robertson (Huff) shared a heartfelt Bible message. Afterwards, the conference facilitator said that a girl [like Sadie] doesn’t “turn out like this by accident”; he praised Sadie’s parents, Willie & Korie Robertson, launching into a follow up interview with the couple on parenting advice.

And I honestly had such an irrationally angry reaction to that moment. Like…who do these people think they are? Look at their smug little perfect hairs and their cute couple antics. Blech. (Seriously, there must be something wrong with me for being irritated with America’s favorite Duck Dynasty family, right?)

But it really has nothing to do with them.

When I was growing up, I truly believed you could input just the right combination of values, morals, and Bible teaching into a child, and that child would turn out to be kind, God-loving, and who, even under stress, would not be the sort of person to create a meth lab or kill puppies just for kicks.

I absolutely believed that the right parenting could produce the right children.

The problem is, now I’m a parent of three children, and the Christian parenting formula seems to be breaking down.

For one, I have three kids with wildly different personalities, and their personalities refuse to yield to a single parenting style or strategy. It’s exhausting. Even if they’re cute.

Then there’s the trouble of how to get them to sit quietly and calmly enough for my spiritual parenting moments to take effect.

I try not to make Bible lessons or conversations about God into a chore, so I pick a variety of Bibles and devotions or lessons from a creative array of authors. We’ve tried the “Indescribable” Science/God devotions approach, the “Jesus Calling Bible” for kids, the whimsical “Dead Sea Squirrels” books, and even the “Minecrafters Bible“, because that is their obsession right now.

But I’ll be honest, Bible time in my home always seems to devolve into a whirling dervish of anger, obstinance and atheistic argument.

You think I’m kidding. I wish I was.

We finish our dinner and I pull out a four page Bible story. Four illustrated pages! Not the flippin’ book of Leviticus.

As soon as I begin, one child inevitable leaves the table to refill their drink, or attempts to sneak away from me under the table as I read. Sometimes my daughter listens- sometimes she pouts as only a tween can. One son makes repetitive noises as I read, and then when I get to the questions he launches into a discourse on how God isn’t real because is he was, who made God? (And I tell him it’s a good point and I don’t know.)

And then he digresses into a rabbit trail theory on atoms, as I try to regain composure of the unravelling situation, and attempt (unsuccessfully) to “use the force” to get my husband to intervene.

And by the way, my ever-questioning smart-as-a-whip son is NOT a teenager- no no- he’s 9 years old.

I actually thought to myself recently that I should look up “The Case for Christ for Kids” because maybe that’s just what my son needs.

But when I looked it up, the description said, “Equip your 8-12 year olds to defend their faith to an unbelieving world.”

Oy. What if my son IS the “unbelieving world”? And why are we so focused on teaching our kids to defend faith- is that really our end goal? I’m more and more convinced that the right answers and the right doctrine and the right verses don’t always mean that we actually KNOW and INTERACT with God personally. And maybe that’s where the formula breaks down too.

Even when we DO have quiet times where the children are mostly engaged, the Bible stories often wrap up so neatly and positively that I’m not sure my kids are learning the whole truth anyway. In fact, with one of the children’s Bibles we’ve been reading, I’ve started telling the kids about some of the less happy parts of the story that are conspicuously missing. (You know…the bloody, if not courageous, story of lefty Ehud; the actual dismal ending to Gideon that I’m not sure I’ve heard preached about; the beheading of John the Baptist; the Jonah who whines about God saving a nation; the multiple times Abraham did NOT trust God.)

My son commented, “It seems like they left out all the bad parts.” Mm.

And that bothers me too. Maybe we’re all leaving out the “bad” parts- maybe we’re afraid to give kids the honest version of the Bible, just as parents are afraid to show their honest faults and those moments when their parenting doesn’t seem to be “working”. Maybe the less than glamorous moments in the Bible could help us feel less alone right about now.

And I’m really really torn.

I have told my own parents multiple times that they seemed to do this parenting thing so well, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. But that is half the problem- I DID try to go by the Christian system- the parenting formula- and either IT isn’t working or I’M not doing it right.

Or maybe…the formula is a myth.

I enjoy counsel from parents who have been through the fray- I desperately need the wisdom of mothers and fathers who deeply love God and have hope, advice, and encouragement to offer.

But I need you to know that not all kids are the same. Not all parents are the same. And no matter what “worked” for your kids, there is no perfect Christian parenting formula.

So many church parents, God-loving people, are suffering under this weight that they failed at the system- that if their kids aren’t OK it’s the mom or dad’s fault. Parents of kids who are naturally challenging, who are skeptics, who push the boundaries more, who struggle with behavior issues beyond the average- these parents especially should not be made to feel that better, more godly parenting would solve everything.

Guys- I’m a wreck at this sometimes. And yes, I get irrationally angry at apparently perfect offspring of other people. OK. I get irrationally irritable at most “perfect” looking things. (It’s one of the many things God still has to work on in my life.)

But I want to combat the “good Christian parent formula” myth, because it is hurting us. It is causing us to push harder on our kids to get them to turn out “right” which sometimes makes it worse- it is leading us to falsely believe that WE have the power and ability to control our children’s faith and actions- it is burying us in a guilt that is truly antithetical to the freedom that God gives us through His death and resurrection.

I will say I’m learning to pray more earnestly for my kids. Sometimes my son will tell me not to pray- but that doesn’t mean I can’t. Sometimes I pray at his bed when he’s asleep. I’ve asked God for verses for each of my kids for this season and I pray those verses over them as I think of them. I’m not always consistent, but I’m working to do what God has entrusted me while leaving my children at His feet instead of trying to carry them myself.

And the only reason I’m even able to write this to you today, is because my children are having a holy quiet moment an early electronic session in which, miracle of all miracles, no one is arguing.

But the timer is going off (which either means electronics is over or I forgot something on the stove…) so for now, I’ll end my angsty musings and turn the conversation over to you.

What does your parenting journey look like- where are you at right now? Are there things you’re struggling with that you’re afraid not other “good” Christian or faith-filled parents will understand? Do you have kids that simply don’t seem to fit the mold? Do you feel like you have some advice for how to keep loving and leading our kids well even when they aren’t always responding as we hope? Please share with the rest of us- because as we open up our honest stories, we can find freedom in walking together.